How Parent Bias Harms: A Personal Account

I was a fairly confident parent until my daughter developed an eating disorder at the age of 14. I was also a competent parent. I was used to being treated as a good mom, because that’s what I was. But then, my daughter developed an eating disorder, and I was viewed with suspicion and distrust by her treatment team, straight out of the gate. Our family was pathologized. My daughter’s treatment team was digging for family dysfunction, set on me being a psychologically controlling mother who caused her daughter’s eating disorder, without getting to know us at all as parents or as a family. They were pulling our daughter away from us at a time when she needed us the most, and I was truly baffled until I started reading literature on eating disorders featuring old-school, misguided thinking on the cause of eating disorders (Spoiler alert–it’s the mother). It was then that I realized how biased my daughter’s providers were against parents, and how looking for a “root cause” which didn’t exist within the family was negatively impacting her treatment and stunting her ability to recover. It was damaging our family as a whole. At a time when we should have been empowered, built up, and supported as parents, our daughter’s providers were tearing us down. At a time when we should have been guided on how to effectively engage in our daughter’s recovery, her treatment team was too busy pouring salt into our gaping wounds by deliberately shutting us out of treatment, leaving my daughter’s eating disorder untreated and unchecked. I felt powerless and hopeless watching my daughter getting sicker and sicker and not knowing how to help her. It was only when we found different treatment–good treatment which was inclusive of parents–that we were able to find our footing as effective caregivers. Once we were activated to be part of the solution, and not labeled as part of the problem, our daughter was able to begin her recovery journey.

Sadly, that journey had a tragic ending. We lost our daughter to her eating disorder and suicide almost 5 years ago, after a brave 13 year battle. While I try very hard not to cast blame, I have little doubt that the parent bias which we experienced at the beginning of treatment likely contributed to her inability to recover. It did irreparable damage, and it definitely caused us all extra and unnecessary suffering and pain, which is the antithesis of “do no harm.”.

When your child is diagnosed with an eating disorder, it rips your world apart and shatters your confidence as a parent. Many of us, myself included, watch it develop in front of our eyes, without realizing it. When a child develops an eating disorder, parents need to get ahead of a huge learning curve, tolerate a tremendous amount of distress, and learn how to support their person with an eating disorder to the finish line of recovery. It can be counter-intuitive; and even when it isn’t, I know that I, for one, felt like my intuition had failed me while my daughter was developing an eating disorder. I missed it at first, so I felt like I couldn’t trust my intuition anymore. I felt completely disempowered as a parent. And the thing is, that a parent who is disempowered will not have the strength and fortitude necessary to support their child’s recovery.

Parents, educate yourselves. Find a community of support, like F.E.A.S.T, who can guide you through the difficult challenges that you are facing. No parent should ever have to walk this journey alone.

Judy Krasna is the Executive Director of F.E.A.S.T. She lives in Israel, and can be reached at judy@feast-ed.org.