Feeling trapped? Remember, Recovery is Possible

By Miriana

I am a warrior. For a long time, my eating disorder had taken over my life. I heard voices telling me I’m worthless and I didn’t deserve food. I cried myself to sleep too many times and became a stranger to food to the point where I couldn’t remember what hunger felt like. But today it’s not about my eating disorder taking over my life. It’s about how I recovered and claimed my voice back. It’s about how I chose myself over the loud voices inside my own head.

I had both anorexia and bulimia simultaneously, so the little I ate, I got rid of. When my parents found me, I didn’t care about hurting myself, but hurting my beloved ones was killing me. Seeing my mother cry was too dreadful. I hated who I was, but I also hated who I was becoming. I did not want to hurt my parents, or even let them doubt themselves for one second. That is when I decided to seek recovery. It wasn’t an easy ride. It was painful.

At the time I felt trapped and out of control; as if there was no way out of the cycle. I was suffocating in my own thoughts. That is when I vouched to myself that should I ever recover, I wanted to share my journey and help others feeling hopeless and stuck. I wanted them to realise that even though it might not seem so at this very moment, recovery is possible.

I started going to therapy, yet for a long time not much had changed. I soon came to realise that though I wanted to recover, I was scared. My eating disorder was all I knew, and finding new ways seemed scary. I cried, because I didn’t know how to move on and change patterns, yet very slowly, one step at a time, I did.

My parents were of great help and I owe my recovery to them. Now I’m not saying this was easy, and there were moments I relapsed. Yet, please remember that a relapse does not put you back to where you started. It is a small setback in a long journey. You’re still ahead from where you once was.

I realised that though therapy was extremely important, I had to be willing to help myself. I had to really want to recover and accept that my body was about to change. Bodies change, it’s natural. Not just during recovery, but during the course of a lifetime. I put my body through so much, and it still gets me through the day. Very recently, late April to be exact, I lost my mother. It was very sudden, and it hurt.

This was a very challenging moment, where all I wanted to do was refrain from eating, because for a long time in the past that is how I dealt with pain. Lack of food made me gain control when I felt lost. My mother was the one person I spoke to whenever I felt insecure, and now she’s not here to help me. It was very difficult, and I admit, there are moments where I do kind of miss my eating disorder. And I don’t think we should be ashamed to admit this. But what I don’t miss is how miserable it made me feel.

Challenging times made me realise how far ahead I am at this moment in time. My eating disorder took so much from me, yet recovery gave me so much more. I learnt to love myself. I learnt to be strong. And most important of all, I learnt to enjoy life and appreciate every second of it, even the bad days. Because without the bad days, we cannot appreciate the good ones. And though I will forever be a person who had an eating disorder, now I know that this doesn’t define me.

An eating disorder is not an identity. You are not your mental illness. I can proudly say that I’ve put my eating disorder in the past, and I have grown much stronger. And though I know that the eating disorder will always be a part of who I was, I have now learnt better. And whenever that voice even tries to make a comeback, I now know that the voice and those thoughts are not my friend, but rather my worst enemy. Now, I am free. I am strong. I am recovered.

World Eating Disorders Action Day

World Eating Disorders Action Day is taking place across the world on June 2, 2020. For the 5th year running, this grassroots campaign brings together ALL OF YOU from more than 50 countries and over 250 organizations around the globe to increase awareness about EDs and evidence-based treatment. EDs are life threatening, brain-based disorders, with genetic linkages and metabolic factors. They are also possible to treat, especially when identified and treated EARLY.

Join us in sharing the information posted on this page, and the stories we share! We welcome stories of up to 800 words – that help to break stigma by sharing your experiences, and particularly how you have been impacted by, and are coping with the challenges of, COVID19. Also, keep checking the website www.worldeatingdisordersday.org for news of events.

To submit your story for this blog, write to: worldeatingdisorderday@gmail.com and june@junealexander.com

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