“How to Break Stigma Around Eating Disorders?  Share your Eating Disorder ‘Toolkit’: A Father’s Story” By Alec Rodney

Alex Rodney is the guy in the purple shirt third from the right!

Why am I still in the fight? I write this as a parent with a story and a message for other parents, especially dads. In 2011 we were living a happy life. We had two bright, independent kids entering adolescence. Early in life they were self-sufficient in getting themselves up, fed, and ready for school and other activities. They asked for help when needed, and we made sure that they stayed out of trouble. Nurturing this kind of independence is something that many can appreciate. When we bought a Costco cheese pizza for dinner, the kids insisted Mom and Dad eat one slice each. Were they worried about our health? Hell no! They wanted to bring cold pizza for school lunch for the next day!

This changed in February 2012 when my daughter was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Like most families on this wretched journey, we saw no early warning signs. The roller coaster ride that has ensued has been intense and bruising for all of us. The time, energy, and financial resources we have put into our daughter’s well-being are too overwhelming to think about. I’m happy to say that, at 18, she is finally building a life worth living on her own terms. The independence we nurtured has kicked in as she blazes her own path.

Sadly, from a parent perspective little good comes from fighting an eating disorder. Everything comes with a steep price tag.

The one great thing this journey has given me is the tools. Over the last six years, I have accumulated an amazing toolbox, specialized to fighting eating disorders. How good are these tools? For those dads out there who are into fixing cars, my box is filled with snap-on tools. For those who are handy around the house, I could build cabinets with my toolset. Each tool has been specially curated and I put in the time to optimize its use. When you have good tools that you don’t use all the time, why not lend them out? I’m not talking your trusty drill that you don’t want to be caught without in a bind. I’m talking about specialty tools: you made an investment up front, found great use for them and won’t ever give them up because they are costly to replace. Why lend out our physical tools? It saves others time and hassle and allows them to do the work on their unique schedule.

I do the same with my Eating Disorders (ED) tool kit. The catch is, these tools generally need a hands-on demonstration. For those who haven’t experienced fighting an eating disorder as a parent, everything you do is counterintuitive, so it is really hard to figure out things for yourself. If you are a “fixer” type, who wants to jump in without reading the instructions, you will be thrown for a loop and feel a lot of backlash. You don’t just lend out these tools; you lend your time and you help someone. Guess what, it saves them time and they use these tools All. The. Time.

So for those dads out there with your kid in firm recovery, I ask you “what type of tools are gathering dust in your ED toolbox” How many powerful tools are sitting on the shelf, paid for with sweat and tears and doing nothing now? The tools I accumulated while living in California have been lent to Dads in Australia, England, New Jersey and Washington.

For the vast majority of parents who have survived this horrible experience a voice in the back of their minds will say: “Why re-live the experience?” That’s the best part. Most parents I support have already learned what they have to do. What they need most is a voice that backs them up. They need positive affirmation that the counterintuitive move is the right one. My tools are best utilized when Ed doesn’t know I exist.

So, why am I still in the fight?

When I share my tools… I help other parents in need in their darkest hour. When I share my tools…I BREAK the STIGMA. I share my pride in beating Ed and show the world this is a triumph, nothing to be ashamed of. I show other Dads and Moms that this is not their fault. They meet me, someone out of crisis, who sees that their lives are turned upside down AND understands this is the normal path of an eating disorder. Sharing my tools with teachers, counselors, and school nurses “Educates” individuals who are on the front line of the battle and enlightens them to get other young people help before lives slide into chaos. Those educators don’t meet a wild-eyed parent in crisis. I talk to them while in wise mind which help break the tired stereotype that eating disorders are caused by parents. When I show up at school with my daughter’s lunch, they see that parents are part of the solution and this battle is waged and won a single bite at a time.

Why am I still in the fight? Because I have a set of bad-ass ED-fighting tools, and I want to make sure they don’t go to waste. If I fade into the background, the stigma has a better chance to survive.

Alec Rodney is a dad in the United States who has been waging war on anorexia nervosa since early 2012. He serves as a parent mentor at UCSD Eating Disorders Center, helping other parents gain confidence to implement FBT at home and he has helped co-found two online FB support groups for parents around the globe. He wishes more dads would “stay in the fight” to support dads with newly diagnosed kids because these new dads need role models to convince them of the need to spring into action and be effective. He can be reached at np_groups@yahoo.com.